What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
