He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
