After last night, I could never be a politician.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
