Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
