Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
