I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
