We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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