I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
