There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
