My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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