im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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