How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
