I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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