I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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