smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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