And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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