I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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