i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
