don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
