You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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