with your own penis?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Randomize
