The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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