sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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