having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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