Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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