Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I need to calm my uterus...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
