I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
