listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I still have a little drunk in my system
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
