Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The feeling are messing with the penis
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
