dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
