i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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