anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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