My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
