My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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