Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
