There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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