i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I want a musical about memes.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
