Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
