Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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