he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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