so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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