Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
