i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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