Screwed.edu
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
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