He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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