I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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