Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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