i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Randomize
