I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
