I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
