Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
