so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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