Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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