How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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